Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
