Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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