he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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