forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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