I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
