I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
