he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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