im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
