That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
