i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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