So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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