It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
