my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
