when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
