I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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