"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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