she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
