This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
