Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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