My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
People in love make me want to vomit
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
