dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
