she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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