im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
