I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
