I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
