my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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