so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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