i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
