i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i think my mom watched the whole time
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
