Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
