I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
