I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
