I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
