Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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