If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
