3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
