She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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