is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
