He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
