seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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