Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
