you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
