Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
