You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
