what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
