Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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