I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
