nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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