2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
