we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
