the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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